i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
