If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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