Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
