so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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