Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
