I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
