Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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