so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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