Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
