i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
