i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
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