Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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