Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
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