Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
