Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
