i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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