so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize