True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
