i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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