Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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