you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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