Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
