The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
