Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
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