Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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