No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
