They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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