I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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