I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
