If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
