Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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