gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
