I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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