my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
