They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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