I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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