Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
