well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
ttyl tear gas
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
