there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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