hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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