i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
