Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
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