So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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