there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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