Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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