Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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