I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
