I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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