What did we do last night that was yellow?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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