there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize