My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
