Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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