i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize