He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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