So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
third nipple confirmed
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
