My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
