You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
My vagina just clenched in fear
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
