I wanna bring you to show and tell
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
