woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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