Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
