Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
