If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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