You were right. It hurts to walk today.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
