happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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