My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
