Can i not drive my cunt home
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
